One in Ten Million
by Kansas J. Miller
Summary: CJ and Simon toy with a serious idea. Follows my other two series!
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: One In Ten Million  
  
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller  
  
PAIRING: CJ/Simon  
  
RATING: PG  
  
SUMMARY: Slowly laying her head down on Simon's shoulder, CJ sucked in her breath and tried to forget that there was a reason she'd never married.  
  
SPOILERS: Slight references to "Posse Comitatus", but nothing involving Simon. He never went to NYC and hence, lives.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I'm not the creator of these folks, ABS is. And he's been mean to our Simon…!  
  
***  
  
It was a July like no other, Simon smiled, leaning against the kitchen counter and sorting through the mail. It was actually CJ's mail, and he was pretty sure that sorting it was a waste of his time, but waiting for her to get home was making Simon antsy.  
  
They had just celebrated two months together, two incredibly wonderful months that had flown by in the blink of an eye. Simon was practically living at CJ's apartment, and though he had at first been slightly put off by the idea, the situation couldn't have been more ideal. Simon had some clothes and thins in her apartment for convenience, he could be with CJ any time of day or night, and still go home when he needed space.  
  
Chuckling as he headed to the fridge, Simon realized he hadn't needed much space. CJ was perfect; she gave him everything he needed, everything Simon never even knew he wanted. They were compatible in the ways that mattered and more importantly, Simon could talk with her. CJ listened, Simon noted as he poured out a beer, she was always there for him.  
  
And they had fun together, Simon smiled, thinking that he had never laughed so much with a woman before. CJ tended not to unleash her capacity for bitching on Simon, and even the simplest activities could be made fun. As he checked his watch Simon grinned at the memory of CJ dragging him to the grocery store that past Sunday. They'd ended up with more ridiculous items than anyone could use, paying the cashier with giddy laughter brought on only by each other.  
  
It was quarter to eight, and Simon had to force himself not to worry about where CJ was. Her job was crazy but she always came home to him, he thought, noting with a twinge of concern that she was half an hour later than expected. Sipping his beer slowly, Simon decided not to tell CJ that he'd been worrying; she hated his protective nature although it was Simon's instinct to go out of his way for someone he loved.  
  
It was the one fault Simon could find in his relationship with CJ—she could never just give in and let him be the strong one. It happened all the time, and Simon was acutely aware of the different ways in which CJ shrugged off his masculine inclinations. She never let him carry her suitcases in from the car, she hated when Simon held the door or pulled out a chair. And those were the small things; CJ was completely closed off when it came to her serious emotions. Sure, Simon agreed, CJ talked to him and never hesitated to say when she was upset with something. But still, there were nights when CJ came home clearly upset about something, and on those nights she'd brush off his attempt at comfort, insist she was fine, and put on a façade. And forget talking about her father's health—that was an issue Simon had hardly been able to crack. Simon knew CJ didn't like to reveal her emotions, and as he sat wondering how to reach them, the door cracked back.  
  
The sound of CJ's heels mixed with the bustle of her briefcase preceded her voice, harried as usual. "Shit, Simon, you know I meant to call you but this thing came up and I got stuck in a meeting at the last minute and we—"  
  
Simon had instantly moved to the door, and as he took her half-full paper coffee cup he brushed away the apology. "No sweat. I figured you got caught up with stuff."  
  
Dropping her briefcase and shedding her blazer while Simon set down the coffee, CJ threw her arms over Simon's shoulders. "Oh God, this day was so long," she moaned against his T-shirt covered chest, burrowing her head into his shoulder.  
  
Smiling against CJ's hair, Simon curled her deeper into his embrace. "Did you eat?" he asked, somehow sensing that she hadn't. Without picking her head up, CJ moaned again.  
  
"No, because Toby banned food from this meeting. Said it was counterproductive…"  
  
Simon released CJ's waist, shaking his head. "Oh, sweetie, it's so late. Can I make you a chicken salad?" he asked, testing the waters a bit and bracing for CJ's rejection. To Simon's great surprise, she smiled shyly in acquiescence.  
  
"That would actually be good…I'm going to change my clothes real quick…"  
  
  
  
CJ darted off down the hallway while Simon made his way back to the kitchen. As he washed the lettuce, he realized just how hard it was for CJ to let anyone do anything for her. Even when it was just a salad…  
  
***  
  
An empty bowl and two half-filled glasses of wine sat on the coffee table, the only remnants of dinner. Simon had eaten hours before CJ had even considered her hunger, and as they sat tightly against each other on the sofa, Simon felt a craving.  
  
"I really want a Milky Way," he murmured, watching with interest a television commercial for the said candy bar.  
  
CJ giggled, her head tucked under Simon's chin. "We bought those ice cream bars on Sunday…"  
  
"Oh yeah!" Simon grinned, gently moving CJ aside in order to dash for the kitchen. "Want one?"  
  
"No," she sighed. "Watching the waistline…"  
  
With a roll of his eyes, Simon made his way to the freezer. Biting his lip he added a second item to the short list of things that bothered him; CJ was too concerned with her weight. She was thin as a reed, gorgeous at that, but entirely consumed with keeping it that way. She worked out like a demon and Simon was sure that CJ could afford to eat a Milky Way ice cream bar. But instead CJ ate two salads a day and treated herself to frozen yogurt on Fridays. Simon grabbed two packages and returned to the sofa.  
  
"Did I tell you?" he asked, ignoring her smirk and forcing the ice cream into CJ's hands.  
  
"What?" CJ asked, slowly giving in to temptation as Simon un-wrapped his dessert. It looked good, and CJ began ripping into her own package.  
  
"I'm on the President's security detail for the convention," Simon smiled before biting into the cold bar.  
  
CJ squealed, quickly throwing herself at Simon, pushing him back against the end pillows. "For real? Are you kidding?"  
  
Laughing, Simon tried to salvage his ice cream by setting it on the table. With CJ on top of him it was easy to steal a quick kiss, one that led to a deeper sign of his affection.  
  
"For real," Simon smiled as the long, pleasantly drawn out kiss ended. "It should be a good four days," he grinned, quickly flattening her body against his with strong arms.  
  
"And to think I was dreading this thing," CJ sighed, absently tracing Simon's collarbone with her fingers. "I'm glad you'll be there; might make things easier."  
  
"Oh?" Simon asked, lazily trailing his fingers through CJ's hair as his Milky Way ice cream melted on the table. It was forgotten now as CJ sighed her displeasure.  
  
"We're nitpicking over what color tie he wears," CJ breathed out her distaste, referring to the President. "And everyone is on me to get to the wires before Ritchie's people do. Everyone thinks I can control their press office. Toby was in my face three times tonight because again we've scheduled press events when Ritchie has his."  
  
Simon continued to rake through CJ's hair, struck by the quiet her voice had taken on. She sighed again, content that Simon was listening to her. "And believe me when I tell you I do NOT know what is wrong with the President. But something bad is happening when he locks up with Leo for hours on end. It's been since we saw the show in New York—it's been like this since May!"  
  
Simon bit his lip, bothered by CJ's tired tone. "Well, I'll be working at the convention, too, but I'm sure we'll have some time to ourselves…"  
  
CJ snorted. "Even if it's at two in the morning. I'll see if we can be in the same hotel room together."  
  
Simon kissed CJ's hair, smiling at what he was about to bring up. He cleared his throat, speaking slowly. "Oh, baby, you know they won't let us share a room unless we're married…"  
  
CJ sat up, caught strangely off guard by Simon's tone. Her stomach flipped; it was almost as though he were insinuating the idea.  
  
"Ah," CJ's lips curled up nervously, slowly; she was unable to shake Simon's intense gaze. He was keeping her eyes in his, forcing her to consider his silent point. Shyness finally overcame her, and unmistakably hearing his unspoken idea, CJ averted her eyes from Simon's.  
  
They both went back to the television, staring at the screen without really processing the show. Simon finished his Milky Way with an arm slung over CJ's shoulder and the hope that he hadn't upset or bothered her. But it was clear that she'd gotten his veiled message; it was something to think about.  
  
CJ sat biting her lip, leaning her body tentatively against Simon's as the TV blathered on in front of her. Soon, she thought, they could turn it off and go to bed, maybe take a shower together…Anything that brought the physical closeness CJ had come to crave. And it frightened her, the heavy attachment she held for Simon. Her want and need for him was very real, she loved him beyond understanding. And she was no dummy—Simon was thinking about marriage.  
  
It should have been easy to open up to that idea; CJ knew she should be thrilled by Simon's interest in a commitment to. Slowly laying her head down on Simon's shoulder, CJ sucked in her breath and tried to forget that there was a reason she'd never married. She'd have to tell him sometime, CJ knew, she'd have to explain why she sometimes acted like a jackass and pushed him away. She'd also have to tell Simon that she didn't know if she could change it; those were not good qualities to bring into a marriage.  
  
CJ forced herself to get a grip, calming herself with the fact that he hadn't even asked her—he had but hardly alluded to getting married. Still, it was evident in Simon's tone, and as CJ closed her eyes, she inhaled a trace of the man's cologne. He was perfect, CJ realized, he was worth all of that trouble—he was her one in ten million. Knowing that to be true, CJ snuggled closer to Simon and pleaded him to read her mind. She was scared, but maybe she could do it; maybe it could be done…* 


	2. 2

1 TITLE: One in Ten Million: Chapter 2  
  
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller  
  
PAIRING: CJ/Simon  
  
RATING: PG  
  
SUMMARY: The silver frame held all the evidence that Simon needed—he and CJ were perfect for each other.  
  
SPOILERS: You guys know the drill, Simon lives! Follows "Breaking the Rules"/ "In Front of You"  
  
***  
  
It was Simon's turn to come home late, and as he hastily parked the bulky Suburban on the curb of CJ's apartment building, he winced at the pain in his shoulders. Being placed back into the President's detail took not only paperwork but also a heavy review of the physical skills an Agent needed. He wasn't out of shape, but as Simon slowly climbed the stairs towards the door, he realized that he was getting older.  
  
He had changed back into a suit, but Simon was now so tired that he hardly noticed the stifling July heat; his only thought was of lying down and sleeping, preferably with CJ at his side.  
  
Once inside the elevator, Simon leaned against the wall and realized that every agent he'd been with today was fifteen years younger than he was; the only upside to his age was the leadership position—Simon would be heading the President's security team at the Democratic Convention next month. It excited Simon a bit that Agent Butterfield had chosen HIM for the job, as it was a high risk, high responsibility detail. Simon took the honor gladly, knowing he could handle it.  
  
"Hey!" CJ's voice rung out, greeting Simon as he pushed through the door. "You're in luck, the pizza just came," she smiled, rising from the sofa. "It's still hot."  
  
"You and hot pizza? Perfect," Simon murmured, kissing CJ carefully.  
  
CJ smiled, leaning into Simon's body. When he instinctively flinched away from the pressure on his shoulders, CJ looked up with surprise. "Honey?" she asked slowly, nervous at the way Simon had pulled away. "What is it?"  
  
With a smile that only slightly comforted CJ, Simon squeezed her upper arms. "Nothing, nothing. I'm just a lot older than I thought."  
  
Moving past CJ, Simon found the couch and flopped down, suit jacket and all. CJ was still confused, the look on her face told Simon as she sat down beside him. Tucking her knees under her body, CJ waited for Simon to continue. He took her hand, her simple touch enough to relax him. "We're doing physical re-certifications for Eagle's Convention detail and the whole thing is just harder than I remember it to be."  
  
CJ sighed with an almost guilty relief. What had she been thinking? Smiling now, CJ tentatively slid her arm over Simon's shoulders. "I can give you a back rub," she said with a tease in her voice, her breath on Simon's ear sending pleasant shivers down his spine.  
  
Turning his head, Simon quickly captured CJ's lips, the soreness in his body suddenly dissipating.  
  
***  
  
As Simon ate a slice of pizza, CJ was on the phone with the White House, Toby no doubt. Their raucous conversation had been going on for the past twenty minutes, and it seemed like every two minutes CJ shot an apologetic glance Simon's way. She had no reason to feel guilty, as Simon got quite a kick out of the way she and Toby bantered. For the three weeks when Simon had been with CJ day in and day out at the White House, he'd come to like Toby as much as CJ did.  
  
Rising from the sofa with a new relaxation in his body, Simon thought about changing his clothes. Slipping past CJ, he briefly let his hands rest on her hips, rewarded with a bright smile. She was so beautiful, Simon thought absently as he headed down the hallway, she was absolutely gorgeous.  
  
As he removed his coat and tie slowly, Simon pondered how he was going to do this. He had a feeling that CJ wouldn't be too receptive to the idea; he had inklings that it might even upset her. She was fiercely independent, hated to be smothered, and CJ had been perpetually single. That fact alone sent Simon warning signals.  
  
Setting his gun and holster down on the dresser, Simon's eye caught the framed photograph that CJ kept there. Taken at a fundraiser sometime in June, the picture was filled with bright colors; an American flag in the background, CJ's yellow dress and blue eyes, Simon's black tuxedo, and the way they so handsomely melded together. The silver frame held all the evidence that Simon needed—he and CJ were perfect for each other.  
  
The thought of not having her in his life terrified Simon as he carefully hung up his suit coat; before closing the closet he dipped his hand into the jacket's side pocket. Bringing it out and turning the small black box over in his palm, Simon smiled softly. This could work, Simon thought, knowing that if he handled the situation with care, CJ might be his wife. * 


	3. 3

1 TITLE: One in Ten Million: Chapter 3  
  
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller  
  
PAIRING: CJ/Simon  
  
RATING: PG  
  
SUMMARY: He was the only one she could ever see herself with…why did the idea of marrying him sound so horrible?  
  
SPOILERS: None, except for the past stories. Simon lives! Yay!  
  
***  
  
"CJ!" Josh yelled, practically scaling the walls in the bullpen to get to the Press Secretary. She stopped in her tracks, spinning around to meet the harried Deputy Chief-of-Staff.  
  
"Where are you going?" she asked, noticing his packed bag and heavy backpack.  
  
"I'm being punished—Leo's sending me on the trip…And CJ…Bruno's gonna be there," Josh whined with a grin, dropping the shoulder bag on the hardwood hallway floor.  
  
With an amused smile, CJ shook her head. "Well, we gotta campaign. It's nothing like last time, though is it?" she asked wistfully, looking at Josh for a silent second. "Did you need something?"  
  
Josh rolled his eyes, snapping himself out of old memories. "Donna's at breakfast. Tell her where I am when she gets back, would ya? This was extremely last minute."  
  
Laughing, CJ nodded. "I'm not even going to ask what you did…"  
  
Josh bid her goodbye and CJ continued her way down the hallway, subsequently running into Leo. "CJ," he ordered gruffly, "keep your eye in the media, would you? Ritchie is speaking in New York when the President's in Detroit."  
  
"I'm on it, Leo," CJ sighed, almost amused by the way they were running for re-election. Had been four years ago, she would have been in the back of the campaign bus clinging desperately to a cell phone. Now CJ had instant access to the press, at any time. It was ironic, CJ thought, realizing how little of that access she actually used today to control a story. Back in the day she would have killed for this…  
  
"Where's the President?" Sam's voice startled CJ, who was now standing outside of her office staring blankly at the floor.  
  
"He had the cabinet before a thing with Leo. Now he's in a Secret Service meeting, then he's swinging through Detroit and Madison," CJ ticked off the schedule, remembering how a 'swing' through two major cities used to take three days.  
  
"What's wrong?" Sam asked, noticing CJ's lackluster tone.  
  
"I wish we could campaign again. Like last time," she murmured, knowing that Sam would feel that same nostalgia.  
  
"God, yes…Knowing what we know now…" Sam smiled, cocking his head. "Ritchie's camp gets all the fun this time. They're a very little bit like we were."  
  
CJ stepped into her office quickly, meaning to head for the pressroom. She met Sam's eye for a moment. "We weren't running against an incumbent."  
  
Sam nodded with mock-solemnity. "If that's all we've got going for us, I'd say it's a pretty big advantage."  
  
CJ laughed as Sam went his way; they'd be all right in the end—this election was predicted to be close, but no closer than last time. They would be fine…  
  
"Donna!" CJ called, catching a glimpse of the younger blonde woman. "Josh got sent to Detroit with the President."  
  
Donna stopped with raised eyebrows, humored. "Are you kidding me?"  
  
"No," CJ smiled as she approached Donna's area. "Some kind of punishment. They're scheduled to be back by five."  
  
Donna looked pleased with the situation. "Guess I'm a free agent today…Hey, speaking of agents…" Donna's grin exploded as she looked over CJ's shoulder. CJ was confused at first, but upon turning around her own grin grew.  
  
"Simon, what are you doing here?" CJ asked, stepping past Donna, unable to help her softer tone. Simon managed to make CJ feel shy, even when she was in full work mode.  
  
"Well," Simon grinned, nodding quickly at a still-smiling Donna. " Ron and I were meeting with the President before he left."  
  
CJ forced herself to keep a respectable distance between her body and Simon's, but the physical proximity of him was dizzying. Even with Donna's nearby presence, CJ found it difficult to tear her eyes from Simon's. Simon felt it too, working hard to keep his countenance semi-straight; he didn't want to get googly-eyed on CJ here in the hallway…  
  
"Good," CJ smiled sweetly, enjoying the image of Simon in his own work-mode. She hadn't seen him so professional since the days he stood in the hallway guarding HER. "Did you want something in particular, or just dropping by?"  
  
Simon nodded, "Actually, I wanted to see if you could meet me tonight. There's something I'd like to talk to you about."  
  
CJ pressed her lips together, absently worried about what THAT could mean. "Sure. Seven-thirty?"  
  
Simon nodded his agreement, but was focussed instead on the ear piece he wore. Touching it briefly, eyes on CJ, he spoke into his sleeve. "1050, this is Donovan. Yes. I'll be down in five…."  
  
CJ smiled, still intrigued with the way the Secret Service communicated. Before heading backwards, Simon picked up CJ's hand and brought her fingers to his lips. "I'll meet you in the lobby at 7:30…"  
  
Donna stood at her desk, thoroughly enamored with the scene that had just unfolded before her. Simon was an absolute doll and it was clear that CJ was completely taken with him; in fact, in the five years that she'd known CJ, Donna had never seen her so happy. This was a wonderful thing, Donna smiled, laughingly wondering if Simon had any younger brothers.  
  
***  
  
Simon returned to the Secret Service office, his mind running circles around how to pop the question. Hardly looking where he was going, Simon ran smack into Pam Thayer.  
  
"Get your head out of La-La Land!" the female agent teased, lightly slapping Simon's arm. "We have to look at layouts and mark up the exits and command posts."  
  
Simon raised an eyebrow, fighting a smile. "I know of no such place called La-La Land, Agent."  
  
Agent Thayer smirked as the two sat down at a large round table covered in blue prints of the Convention stadium and hotels. Looking pointedly at Simon, Pam grinned wickedly.  
  
"It's also known as 'I-just-saw-CJ-Cregg-and-now-I'm-whipped' Land. Does that ring a bell?" Pam laughed, knowing that as a friend, Simon wouldn't take her teasing the wrong way.  
  
Raising his chiseled chin, Simon let himself laugh. "Clever, Pam, clever…Let me ask you something, though."  
  
"Sure," Pam responded, running a marker over the blue prints, outlining a press area. Simon, for his part, did nothing but rest his arms on the table.  
  
"How would you go about asking a woman to marry you?"  
  
Without missing a beat, Pam responded, "Well, Simon, I wouldn't be asking a woman to marry me, so…"  
  
Pam looked up into Simon's mock-annoyed expression. Smiling, she put down the marker. "You're going to ask her to marry you?" Pam asked quietly, her eyes dancing with pleasant surprise. This was big.  
  
Simon cleared his throat, leaning back with anticipatory nervousness. "I'm going to try…"  
  
***  
  
As seven-thirty approached, apprehension grew in CJ. She was almost sure that whatever Simon wanted to talk about didn't spell good news. No one ever wanted to talk unless there was a problem, or…  
  
Carol interrupted CJ's thoughts. "It's 7:30, CJ…You'd better get out of here."  
  
CJ met Carol's eyes, biting her lip. "Can you go and see if he's out there? I'd appreciate that…"  
  
Carol walked out silently, leaving CJ with the unfinished thought. Simon couldn't want to break it off, could he? They were so happy. CJ brooded briefly, unable to pinpoint a single trouble spot in their relationship…except that Simon always told her that she didn't eat enough. CJ didn't know what THAT was all about, but she'd had a slice of pizza the night before to appease his prodding.  
  
Carol was back. "He's waiting," the brunette smiled. CJ nodded, gathering her coat and feeling slightly melancholy. What if she wasn't even aware of a problem? This night had potential to end badly.  
  
Simon stood in the lobby, facing the door as he waited for CJ. He was taking deep breaths, both excited and nervous for what he was about to do. There was still no plan, Simon realized with a giddy snicker, he still had no clue how to ask her this important question.  
  
"Simon?" CJ's hand on his arm turned the tall agent around. CJ stood before him, her face tense despite her best efforts to smile. Leaning in for a quick, chaste kiss on the lips, Simon took CJ's briefcase.  
  
"I'm off duty," he explained with a smile, only able to carry her things on off-hours. CJ cocked her head as they headed out the door, deciding tonight to give in to Simon's chivalrous attempts. Allowing him to open the door for her, CJ noticed his overly happy expression.  
  
"Where are we going?" CJ asked, tentatively linking her arm through Simon's as they began through the security gate. She was on high alert for signs that something was wrong, but so far CJ couldn't see anything but her usual, affectionate Simon.  
  
As they filtered into the staff parking lot and found the blue Mustang, Simon spun CJ towards him with a grin. "How about Italy? Or are you more of a France girl?"  
  
Caught of guard, CJ's melodious laughter escaped as she leaned into Simon's embrace. He tilted her head up for a kiss, deeper than the first, and as his tongue danced around her own, CJ threw her worries out the door.  
  
"Christ," she breathed with a grin as they parted, "what did I do to deserve that?"  
  
Smiling down at her, Simon quickly brushed the hair from CJ's face. "Nothing. I love you, that's all."  
  
Simon didn't tell her every day, preferring to let actions stand as testament to his feelings; as such, it never ceased to move CJ when he told her that he loved her. It made her heart flutter, it turned her knees weak with an indescribable emotion. "I love you, too," she whispered, a light bulb switching on in her head the moment the words left her lips.  
  
He didn't want to break up, CJ realized with a slowly building pressure in her chest, he wanted to talk about getting married. Simon's joking comment the night before had been a dead giveaway, and the ultra- sweet way he was acting…  
  
"Oh, Simon…umm…" CJ stuttered, her hands on his chest poised to push him away. Stopping herself just before the point of no return, CJ forced herself to get it under control. Maybe she was reading too much into nothing; maybe there was no idea of marriage in Simon's head, maybe she just subconsciously WANTED him to ask her.  
  
No, CJ breathed, she was pretty sure that she didn't want him to ask her. And she could read Simon pretty well…God, she cursed herself as Simon kissed her lips again, she loved this man, he was the only one she could ever see herself with…why did the idea of marrying him sound so horrible?  
  
"I made reservations at that little place you like on Constitution Avenue. How's that?" Simon asked, guiding CJ to the car door with a smile. This was going to be wonderful, he smiled again, almost unable to wait for the coming moment.  
  
"Ah, good…. Simon?" CJ asked, sliding into the driver's seat as Simon quickly went around to the passenger side. The top was down, giving CJ all the freedom she could ask for from a car. Freedom, she thought with a slight shiver, is not what a marriage is made of. Or could it give her more freedom? CJ was sick over the fact that she did not know.  
  
"Yeah?" he asked, instinctively taking CJ's hand as she shifted her body towards him. CJ looked down quickly at the leather seat, feeling shy and more than a bit uncomfortable.  
  
"What did you want to talk to me about?" she let out in a rush, suddenly wanting to get this out in the open before sitting through an entire dinner. CJ bit her lip as she waited for Simon's response, hoping she could calmly and maturely explain her awful fright of marriage.  
  
He cocked his head, pressing his lips together. "I was going to wait until later," Simon managed smoothly, his warm tug on CJ's hand slightly reassuring. With his charming smile, Simon leaned forward. "But since this is pretty important to me..."  
  
The last thing CJ saw before she squeezed her eyes shut was Simon's hand reaching into the breast pocket of his coat. He has a ring, her heart cried, he wants you and you want him. CJ mentally pleaded with herself to get a hold on this; with her thoughts spinning in dizzying circles she repeated a mantra. You love him, you love him, you love him, she breathed hanging hard to Simon's hand, you love him…* 


	4. 4

1 TITLE: One in Ten Million: Chapter 4  
  
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller  
  
PAIRING: CJ/Simon  
  
RATING: R  
  
SUMMARY: I want you to be here because you choose to be, CJ whispered with drooping eyes, not because you have to be…  
  
SPOILERS: None!  
  
***  
  
He had grown quiet, made unsure by the instance of panic that crossed CJ's face. It was only a flash but Simon had seen it, and he was sure that his own features were now tense.  
  
"CJ?" he asked, narrowing his brow as she shut her eyes, "CJ, what?" Afraid to move away yet afraid to touch her further, Simon simply squeezed CJ's hand.  
  
Slowly, CJ opened her eyes and attempted to swallow. "You're going to ask me to be your wife," she whispered with surety, cocking her head to allow the warm evening breeze through her hair. Thankfully the convertible top was down, not allowing any of the claustrophobia that CJ was prone to.  
  
Simon let loose a short breath, unnerved by the apprehension CJ was so clearly feeling. "Is that okay?" he asked with a confused smile.  
  
Raising her chin, CJ pressed her lips together and pleaded with herself not to cry. She knew there was no reason for this fear, she knew it was all right to let Simon take control, she knew she was allowed to give in. And yet it tore at CJ's chest; panic and a slightly bitter taste weaved through her body. "Simon, I don't know if…" CJ began, seeing her knuckles whiten against Simon's tan hands.  
  
"CJ? I'm not trying to upset you…" Simon tried, growing quickly afraid of her shy yet standoffish reaction. "I thought things were going so well…"  
  
The strangled cry that escaped CJ's lips thoroughly frightened the Secret Service Agent; CJ threw her body across the seat into Simon's arms, afraid herself at his assumption. "Things ARE going well, Simon," she murmured vehemently against his neck, "it's not you. It's not you. I promise its not you. Oh God…"  
  
Tentatively, Simon raked his fingers through CJ's hair, absently thinking that if it wasn't him, what was it? He hadn't anticipated such a deep aversion to the idea of marriage.  
  
"CJ, we don't have to talk about this at all. Not if it is going to upset you so much…" Simon said, instantly aware of the detachment in his voice. He sounded deeply mechanical and that wasn't what she needed. He tried again.  
  
"I mean, really, sweetheart, I just thought it was a good thing. I love you, that's all…"  
  
CJ picked her head up, moved by the softness of Simon's voice. He expected her eyes to be tearful, and when they were not, Simon reticently recalled that CJ didn't cry. She took a deep breath and quickly brushed her fingers over his cheek.  
  
"Simon, please, you know that I love you. I don't want to be with anyone else—ever," CJ professed, her tone and expression almost desperate. Hearing the silent questions written on Simon's face, CJ sucked in another breath. "I just…I just get so scared of it, Simon…."  
  
Simon nodded because he wasn't sure there was anything else to say. Hard as he tried to avoid it, the awful pungent smell of rejection washed over him, piercing his thoughts. She hadn't said no, Simon attempted to convince himself. But she hadn't said yes. It was like a kick in the stomach, reminiscent of a self-defense technique gone wrong. It hurt though he had tried to prevent himself from it.  
  
"You're mad," CJ stated, her face forlorn as she pulled back to look at Simon's own countenance. He indeed had slight hurt mixed with concern written across his features, the forced smile clearly so.  
  
Instantly Simon denied it, desperate to keep his hold on her. He couldn't lose CJ—not ever—even if it meant not having her as his wife. CJ in his life was more important than a ceremony. Pulling her into his embrace again, Simon tried to forget just how much he wanted that ceremony, how much he wanted that sacred commitment with her. Maybe eventually, he kissed her hair, the door would open and CJ would let him in.  
  
***  
  
CJ sensed Simon's disappointment, but she also sensed his hope. They spoke over dinner; she told him her fears and he his. Hers were deeper and laced with quite a bit of reservations—she had never been able to give herself to someone in the way Simon wanted. I want you to be here because you choose to be, CJ whispered with drooping eyes, not because you have to be. Simon could only kiss her fingers and promise her that marriage was the ultimate choice, one that he wanted to make with her.  
  
And when they got back to CJ's apartment, Simon had almost roughly pulled her mouth to his and told her that the offer stood— but he wouldn't bring it up again until she did. They wouldn't do a thing until she was ready.  
  
Pushing him against the wall with an almost animalistic growl, CJ let loose her passion for Simon, grateful that he'd left her choice open. Rushing her mouth over his lips and neck while unknotting his tie, attacking his belt buckle, CJ had one goal: to let Simon know that she was his. She could love him unconditionally without his ring, without his name.  
  
CJ was everywhere at once, arousing Simon's body at an unparalleled level. It was the effect of so many mixed signals; she feared him yet clung to him, she wanted him, yet couldn't bring herself to take all of him. And she would never stop loving him, but wouldn't give him the greatest sign of that love. It boggled Simon's mind though his attraction to her was clear- cut.  
  
Pushing off his suit coat as she unbuttoned Simon's oxford, the black ring box fell to the rug. CJ stopped abruptly, her mouth on Simon's neck, his hands holding her breasts. Slowly separating their bodies, CJ bent down to pick it up, real tears threatening in her eyes.  
  
She looked up at Simon, silently seeking his permission. He kept his eyes steady, one nod all that was necessary. Slowly, with trembling fingers, CJ opened the velvet box. What lay inside took her breath away; a round, two-carat glittering diamond set in gold, the reflecting light dancing around the stone. It glowed in front of her eyes, symbolic of the way she glowed in Simon's own eyes.  
  
CJ lost her breath, and as she sat on the rug stunned and speechless, Simon too sank to his knees. Taking the box gently from her hands, Simon took the ring from its place, holding it between in his fingers.  
  
"Don't you know what you mean to me?" he asked. Slowly he picked up her hand, watching CJ's big blue eyes. CJ never once protested his actions, allowing Simon to slide the exquisite ring onto her finger. Staring down at her hand, at the beautiful sign of his intention, CJ rested her forehead against Simon's.  
  
They stayed that way for some time, afraid to move for fear that it might not have happened. Wordless was her action, but as CJ let the ring remain on her hand, Simon allowed the truth of her decision to sink down. Finally, she kissed him softly, almost unaware of the deep arousal of moments before.  
  
"Baby, please don't change," CJ murmured against his lips, knowing that if it stayed like this moment—absent of fear, absent of old darkness—anything was possible.  
  
***  
  
Simon slid into her body easily, smoothly, filling her with one quick stroke. CJ clutched his muscled and smooth back, holding him still against her chest. The dual rhythm of Simon's heart beat and the pulsing of him deep inside her elicited a moan from CJ's lips; his presence was overwhelming, just as was his ring that she now wore on her finger.  
  
Sliding his hands around her waist, Simon pulled CJ closer to him as he began to thrust inside of her; pleasant pain began to envelop CJ, the rapid rocking of Simon's hips sweeping her towards the edge of release. He was whispering to her, and though CJ tried to focus on his sweet voice, all she could feel was the cool band of gold on her hand as she slid her fingers over Simon's back.  
  
Squeezing her eyes shut as orgasm approached, tears threatened CJ's eyes and the lump in her throat grew; Simon's moan of pleasure set off CJ's undoing, and as she laid satisfied under his hard body, she pleaded with herself not to cry. But indeed, CJ realized with a mixture of happiness and uncertainty, she was going to marry Simon Donovan. * 


	5. 5

1 TITLE: One in Ten Million: Chapter 5  
  
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller  
  
PAIRING: CJ/Simon  
  
RATING: R  
  
SUMMARY: She was technically leading him on, and if CJ didn't say something soon, she knew that his hurt would only be worse.  
  
SPOILERS: None  
  
***  
  
Simon laid quietly in an unparalleled bliss, hugging CJ tightly to his chest. She'd nodded off two hours earlier, her beautiful face nuzzled against his neck, her hand on his chest. Her left hand, he smiled, on which she wore his ring.  
  
It had been unbelievably expensive, but it hadn't phased Simon one bit—he wanted to give CJ the very best he could manage. And it was a serious diamond, Simon thought with a grin, bright and glowing on her long slim finger.  
  
Simon sighed, thinking how pleasantly strange the night before had been. CJ was an emotional roller coaster, one moment telling Simon that she couldn't handle a marriage—the next spent in the process of frantically undressing for sex… and then CJ had silently accepted his offer, wearing the ring while they made love in her bed. And CJ was wearing it still as she clung to Simon in her sleep; it officially qualified him as the happiest agent in the Secret Service.  
  
Smiling into the darkened room as he gently squeezed CJ closer, Simon was unable to help but thinking of the future. He had never been engaged before—all of the dangerous, time-consuming jobs that Simon had taken in his life never provided time for someone else, a family. What's more, no one had captured him the way CJ had; she made him feel like there were more important things in life—she had opened his eyes to life beyond the Secret Service.  
  
What a wonderful irony the threat of a stalker had been. If not for the perceived danger in CJ's life, Simon would never have walked into her office; Simon would never have fallen so much in love with this woman. Mysterious ways, he thought with a grin, God works in mysterious ways.  
  
***  
  
Waking up slowly, CJ slid out of Simon's arms and headed for the bathroom, the cool air comfortable on her naked skin. Groggy, she flicked the switch and looked in the mirror, her mind entirely sleep filled. Her reflection offered a tousled head of hair, and as CJ moved her hands to smooth it down, the glittering rock on her left hand exploded into view.  
  
Stopping in her tracks, CJ felt the night before flood back to her. Simon's proposal, her fear of it, their desperate lovemaking, the very real way she'd taken and worn his ring. Staring down at it in disbelief, reticently aware of how much it must've cost him, CJ's jaw dropped. Just what had she gotten herself into? Wearing this ring meant that she wanted to get married. Had she said so to Simon? CJ couldn't remember words, but as a new panic enveloped her heart, she realized that Simon's assumptions were as such.  
  
Marriage. Marriage. God, marriage? CJ's mind screamed as she hit the hot water in the shower, waiting a moment before stepping in. She couldn't marry him. Plain and simple, she couldn't marry anyone…she didn't want someone to smother her; CJ didn't want anyone controlling her days and nights. Marriage. Marriage. No…CJ shook her head, shivering despite the steam that was beginning to fill the bathroom.  
  
Guiltily as she stepped into the big shower stall, CJ pondered ways to walk back her agreement. God, she thought with a palm against the wet wall, she would be breaking Simon's heart. She couldn't do that to him! The ring…the beautiful ring…but God, marriage? Breathing in the steam from the shower, CJ forced herself to relax. The water cascaded down her hair and back, dripping warmth over her body, surrounding her in a momentary respite from the miserable worry.  
  
***  
  
Simon heard the shower start, and quickly leaving the bed, he decided to join CJ. It was six o'clock, early for a Saturday, but a shower with CJ sounded like a great reason to get up early.  
  
She was leaning against the shower wall when Simon entered the bathroom, her sexy figure outlined through the cloudy glass door. Taking a moment to admire her slim form, a rush of possession surged through Simon—that beautiful woman was going to be his wife. It brought an indulgent smile to his lips, and opening the shower door, Simon confidently stepped into the stall  
  
Turning quickly, CJ started before allowing Simon's arms around her waist. "You scared me," she laughed nervously, swallowing some of the panic that was going through her head. Fuck, CJ thought as Simon's soft lips played down the length of her neck, I may not want to get married but I'm sure as hell not giving this up…  
  
"CJ," Simon murmured, not really wanting anything other than to say her name aloud, a reminder of what was in front of him.  
  
"Mmm," CJ sighed, the combination of water and his hands flowing over her skin; her senses were aroused and Simon was being so gentle with her, worrying her nipple to a peak with a sort of reverence. How could she tell him that she couldn't marry him when all she wanted was for his hands to be on her body? How could she say no to a man who did such amazing things with only a touch, with only a word?  
  
As Simon's talented hands moved below CJ's waist, she captured his lips in a deep kiss; her tongue thrust past his smooth lips and immeasurable guilt consumed her. She was technically leading him on, and if CJ didn't say something soon, she knew that his hurt would only be worse.  
  
But as Simon whispered his love into her ear, the sound of his voice transcending the rushing water, CJ knew it wouldn't be easy—she loved Simon too much to intentionally wound him. But his love was also a trap; she was bound by his serious feelings. As her body screamed out for more of him, CJ's mind begged for Simon to stop, knowing that the further things went the deeper into him her emotions would be. * 


	6. 6

1 TITLE: One in Ten Million: Chapter 6  
  
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller  
  
PAIRING: CJ/Simon  
  
RATING: PG-13  
  
SUMMARY: CJ felt like she just couldn't win  
  
SPOILERS: Vague reference to "Enemies Foreign and Domestic", but if you blink you'll miss it.  
  
  
  
***  
  
"Do you want to go the beach?" Simon asked as CJ came into the kitchen, dressed in a strapless top and jean shorts. "It's really hot today."  
  
CJ let her eyes wander over Simon as he leaned against the kitchen counter. He was ten years older than she was, yet he looked ten younger. He was so handsome, she idly thought, and tall. Tall, she grinned widely, tall is good. And he was tough—something that made CJ feel safe. Damn, she cursed silently, why did marriage have to be so abhorrent? Resigned not to ruin his happiness, CJ vowed not to say a word today—she needed time to decide what to do, how to tell Simon that she couldn't be his wife.  
  
"CJ?" Simon said, raising an amused eyebrow. She was staring at him, gorgeous herself.  
  
Shaking away her musings, CJ grinned. "You distract me, Simon! What did you say?"  
  
Simon smiled as he stood up, walking around the counter to where CJ stood. Linking his index fingers through the loops in her jeans, Simon pulled her slowly towards his body. Bringing his face just inches from hers, Simon smiled.  
  
"I said…" he began, barely brushing his lips against CJ's, "that it's hot outside, and did you want to go to the beach?"  
  
Giggling against his mouth, CJ felt her heart rate quicken. "It's hot in here, actually."  
  
Raising the intensity of their kisses, Simon slid his hands under the back of CJ's top, reveling in the smooth skin. "I'd say lose the shirt, but we just had sex in the shower."  
  
Feeling playful, CJ ducked under his arms and darted for the fridge. "No such thing as too much sex."  
  
Spinning around, Simon cocked his head. "We could have sex on the beach…"  
  
Pouring out a glass of orange juice, CJ chuckled. "We could have sex in the ocean, too, but then we'd really be putting on a show."  
  
"Well," Simon smiled, coming up behind CJ as she sipped the juice. He slipped his arms around her waist, noticing reticently that he simply couldn't keep from touching her. "We'll have to go somewhere private for our honeymoon."  
  
Leaning her head back against Simon's shoulder, CJ set her juice on the counter and pressed her lips together. An immediate ball felt lodged in her throat, and though it wasn't her style to keep quiet, CJ didn't think she could tell him the truth.  
  
"I mean, you're still wearing the ring, so I assume…" Simon said with a tease in his voice, kissing CJ's ear quickly, trying to break her silence. Another moment passed, CJ still unsure of what to say, what to do. He was opening the door for her, CJ knew, but she felt paralyzed in place. "CJ, what?"  
  
Turning around, she was acutely aware of Simon's hands on her waist. He was watching her intently, and CJ hoped that her eyes didn't show the fear that she felt. As the seconds passed, without words from her lips, Simon narrowed his brow with concern; slowly he saw the trouble behind her eyes, confused as to what he should say. Thankfully, CJ spoke first.  
  
"It's only seven. If we leave now, we could get in a whole day at the beach…"  
  
Simon nodded as she slipped past him, her instant quiet extremely disconcerting. Standing in the kitchen, he could hear as CJ rooted around in her room, no doubt throwing things together for the beach. What had just happened? Simon didn't understand—all he knew was that CJ had totally clamped up at mention of their honeymoon; she hadn't said anything in response to his tease about the ring.  
  
Shaking his head, Simon knew he'd have to pry. But for now, he uprooted his feet and tried to think of the beach.  
  
***  
  
The sun was strong and Simon could see CJ tanning as she lay on the sand, bikini clad, eyes in sunglasses. Her body was stunning and he felt an inordinate sense of pride being next to her. They were in Delaware, Simon noted with a grin, the people weren't looking because they recognized CJ as the Press Secretary.  
  
The drive up to Rehobeth Beach had been a lot of fun, and Simon could almost pretend that the awkward moment in the kitchen hadn't happened. But he knew CJ well. Plain and simple: there was something wrong. No hint of the problem had arisen in the car, and now on the beach CJ was behaving as usual—affectionate, happy, and in love with Simon. But it was put on, he began to believe; CJ was hiding something.  
  
Though he tried to push concern from his mind, the tiniest hint of trouble grew into a plague; didn't CJ want to get married—didn't she want all of the things Simon thought she wanted?  
  
"Simon," CJ murmured, rolling onto her side, propping her head up with her hand. "What are you doing?"  
  
Looking at CJ, he playfully moved her sunglasses down in order to see her eyes. "Thinking," he admitted, looking affectionately at CJ. "Watching to make sure you don't sunburn…drinking this soda," Simon smiled, holding up the can.  
  
"Ah," CJ nodded, taking the glasses off. "What are you thinking about?"  
  
Lying down on the towel, Simon stretched out his muscular arms, biding the moment. It couldn't hurt to bring it up again... "The future…You and me…you know, getting married."  
  
"Ah," CJ said again, sitting up and curling her legs under body. She placed her left hand on Simon's chest, feeling his heart beat through the warm skin. "You know, we didn't really say much after last night."  
  
"I know," Simon acknowledged, watching CJ's face for reaction. "Did you want to say something else?"  
  
Sighing, CJ looked out at the ocean. If she truly loved him, CJ knew she should be able to tell him her fears. "I have a lot I need to say."  
  
A moment passed, CJ's palm still on Simon's chest. "Are you going to say it now?" he asked, capturing her hand as he sat up.  
  
CJ turned her head back to Simon, smiling in spite of her nerves. Kissing her cheek quickly, Simon watched as she sighed. "I can't really…" CJ began, instantly questioning the wisdom of what she was about to say. "We shouldn't really talk on the beach, you know, it's too public…"  
  
Lame, CJ moaned inwardly, that had been lame. Simon only nodded, leaning in to kiss CJ, this time on the lips. When they parted, slowly and unwilling to break the sweet contact, Simon smiled softly. "You're not hiding too well from me, you know that, right?"  
  
Struck, CJ let her eyes remain locked with Simon's. "I, uh…yeah, I guess I should know that…" she stuttered, nervousness running through her.  
  
Simon kissed her again, shortly this time. "When you're comfortable. That's when you can tell me what's wrong."  
  
CJ nodded, feeling instantly like the world's most ungrateful woman. Here he was, she thought as she settled back down on her towel, the perfect man. He wanted her to be happy; he cared about her feelings and wasn't about to hurt her. Simon would probably hear her concerns and fix each and every one of the things that scared her. Simon wouldn't think less of her if she showed vulnerability; Simon would want her more if she gave in to her insecurities.  
  
It was all so easy to say in her mind, and as the sun began to scorch her skin, CJ remembered that it was also very easy to get burned.  
  
***  
  
They sped back to the District in less than two hours, the drive made quicker by the absence of cars. It was Saturday; the real traffic clogged the highways on Sunday evening. Simon had suggested a dinner break, but CJ claimed not to be hungry. Another sign that something was wrong, Simon realized then; CJ hadn't eaten all day.  
  
In her apartment, CJ stood near her answering machine, listening to the six frantic messages left by select members of the senior staff; it amused Simon slightly to hear Toby's voice raise in pitch as he wondered aloud why CJ's cell phone was off.  
  
Sighing, CJ hit the delete button six times in a row, her stomach flipping as she knew their talk would come now. Simon had just finished putting away the beach items; she could feel his presence behind her.  
  
It was so strange, CJ reckoned, her mind flashing back over the past two months of her life with Simon. Their attraction had been immediate and mutual, he had made her so unbelievably happy. He made CJ feel beautiful, he made her feel like a real woman…She had never expected anyone to walk into her life the way Simon had, and she certainly had never expected him to want her as his wife.  
  
She loved him desperately, but her fears were stronger still. She had to tell him, she had to let Simon know. If only he could make them go away, if only he could make it okay…  
  
"Simon, I don't think we can get married," she blurted out, turning around, face to face with the man of her dreams. It was all irony and an evil paradox…and as she saw the way his handsome eyes narrowed in confusion, CJ felt like she just couldn't win. * 


	7. 7

1 TITLE: One in Ten Million: Chapter 7  
  
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller  
  
PAIRING: CJ/Simon  
  
RATING: PG-13  
  
SUMMARY: She knew that if Simon went and found someone else, she'd simply break down. And for that reason alone, shouldn't she marry this man?  
  
SPOILERS: None  
  
***  
  
"Simon, I don't think we can get married."  
  
He couldn't really comprehend why or what she'd meant by it, but as Simon reclined uncomfortably in bed, he was struck all over again by CJ's words. She was still here with him, yes, but in the aftermath of a very long conversation, Simon felt like he'd lost a piece of what they had.  
  
CJ had a lot that she was afraid of and she'd even given him some good reasons, but Simon was having trouble grasping her concept—the idea that marriage would change their relationship, that it would change them as people. CJ was afraid to show vulnerability with a man, she was afraid to give in to anyone—and that much was true: CJ never really let Simon take care of her, physically or emotionally.  
  
And though left unsaid, Simon thought that CJ wanted to remain legally single for professional reasons; There was a sense that CJ felt her image, her power and her dynamic with the press would change should she get married. It was ridiculous, Simon cried inside, to think that she'd be taken less seriously as a married woman.  
  
Maybe it was a legitimate reason or maybe just a veil under which CJ could hide from commitment. Either way, Simon grew more and more restless as the hours of the night passed him by. He wanted CJ to be his wife, but he wanted it mutual. And Simon knew he couldn't force a thing—he didn't need to frighten her, he needed to make her feel comfortable with the idea of giving in to hi. Simon wanted to see CJ vulnerable just once.  
  
And even when she was explaining her fears to Simon, CJ hadn't seemed vulnerable or even really afraid. Her Press Secretary guard had gone up and she'd spoken to Simon as though he were one of her reporters. Her detachment was almost eerie, and while Simon understood that it was her way, he didn't think CJ could hold up her façade forever.  
  
She offered him the ring back, but Simon insisted that she keep it and wear it, just as a reminder of his love. He told CJ that his proposal was always open, and that if she wanted to be married to him…Simon hadn't been able to finish the sentence for CJ's lips pressed against his, but CJ had seemed once again content.  
  
They'd gone to bed, CJ smiling and relaxed, bringing with her a big bowl of grapes. At least she'd finally eaten something, Simon thought, relieved by her relief though not nearly so contented as CJ seemed.  
  
***  
  
As she readied herself for work, drying her hair and smoothing down her skirt, CJ watched Simon. He stood in her bedroom, looking larger and more powerful than usual, dressed in a jet-black suit. He was doing something with his gun, and as he settled it into the holster, CJ thought that Simon looked like something from a movie. It was a shame, she thought wistfully, that she couldn't be like something from a movie, too.  
  
She was putting him through pain; Simon's new demeanor on Sunday, today, had told CJ the truth. His words were fewer and guarded, his eyes were shyer than usual and he seemed afraid to touch her. CJ wanted to overlook it all and pretend that she hadn't caused his step backwards, but her conscience was a constant reminder.  
  
Clicking the light off in the bathroom, CJ tentatively headed back to her room. As she stepped into her heels, Simon silently slipped past CJ through the door, stopping only briefly to put a hand on her elbow. He hadn't allowed their eyes to meet, he hadn't said a word.  
  
With a deep breath, CJ moved and looked into the mirror. Damn-it, she cried inwardly, what are you doing? She was going to lose him. CJ knew it intuitively, and even though she still wore the ring, Simon was fully aware of what it ceased to mean. He'd been kind and sweet, telling her that it was all right, but CJ had seen the hurt in his eyes; she'd seen the way he'd retreated into his mind. And now he'd hardly said two words to her; he'd hardly touched her this morning.  
  
Picking up her red pencil, CJ began to carefully line her lips, forcing the great sob to stay inside her chest. Mechanically, she covered her mouth with the matching lipstick, and after darkening her eyes with black mascara CJ reached for her perfume. It was a beautiful, exotic heavy scent, unique in a crystal bottle; Simon had bought it for CJ during a weekend with the Vice President in France. She loved the scent and cherished it, knowing she couldn't easily get another bottle.  
  
There was something wrong with her, CJ decided as she spritzed herself with perfume, if she was treating the man she loved this way. Maybe she'd simply have to do a thing she didn't want to do; maybe she'd have to get married. It wasn't that horrible, was it?  
  
Instantly, rage shot through CJ's veins, reminding her that here faced her exactly what she wanted to avoid. No one had ever made CJ Cregg do something she didn't want to do; there was really no forcing anything upon this woman.  
  
Too bad, CJ thought it over with increasing fervor, increasing attitude, if he doesn't want to be with me unmarried, he can go find someone else!  
  
Those words used to be enough to calm CJ down, the strength in her mind and in her resolve had formerly solved any problem. But today, early in the morning, she knew that if Simon went and found someone else, she'd simply break down. And for that reason alone, shouldn't she marry this man?  
  
Clenching the glass perfume bottle in her hand, CJ felt the blood pounding in her ears. Uncontrolled, enraged by her own indecision and complicated logic, she caught her reflection in the mirror. Awful self-pity followed by lightening flashes of anger charged through her arm; with a sudden blow of force and the loud clash of glass on glass, the dark French perfume splattered down the wall, dripping like the tears CJ held inside. * 


	8. 8

1 TITLE: One in Ten Million: Chapter 8  
  
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller  
  
PAIRING: CJ/Simon  
  
RATING: PG  
  
SUMMARY: "The CJ Cregg way…It's the only way."  
  
SPOILERS: None, only the previous stories!  
  
***  
  
He came running, just as she expected him to at the sound of glass breaking against the wall. The perfume from the bottle began to diffuse at an alarming rate, and even before Simon could deduce that CJ had thrown it, the room reeked of the expensive scent.  
  
There was no obvious reason for what she'd done, and as CJ slumped down to the floor in tears, Simon could only stand struck. It was all so sudden; he'd been in the kitchen trying to fight despondency when the sound of shattering glass shocked Simon out of his thoughts.  
  
Reminiscent of a bullet breaking a window, the sound propelled Simon towards CJ's room in half an instant. And when he connected the pieces of the broken bottle with the heavy smell of the perfume, Simon looked to CJ with unprecedented surprise. She was holding her head in her hands, crumpled on the floor, her shoulders heaving with sobs.  
  
Kneeling before her, having never seen CJ cry this way, Simon gently pulled her into his arms. The way her body gave in against his was nearly disturbing and totally out of CJ's character; Simon hardly knew what to make of the situation as he rocked her back and forth.  
  
CJ clutched at Simon's shoulders, holding tightly to his back as she cried into his suited-shoulder. The entire sum of the weekend's events had boiled over, all of CJ's confusion and longings, all of her fears and her needs were spilling out as Simon held her. Secretly glad that he had not asked why she'd thrown the perfume bottle—and with a suspicion that he already understood—CJ allowed Simon to help her up from the floor.  
  
"CJ," he began, his voice a whisper, expression guarded. "CJ…"  
  
"I'm sorry," she sniffed, working to calm her tears, but at the same time almost proud that she'd given in to them. "I'm so sorry for the way I've been."  
  
"It's okay," Simon responded immediately, stroking CJ's hair, afraid to push for more from her.  
  
"It's NOT okay," CJ cried vehemently, picking her head up. At sight of her mascara-stained cheeks, Simon immediately turned them both towards the bathroom.  
  
"It is," he insisted, wetting a washcloth and slowly wiping her eyes clean. "Because I was wrong, too."  
  
Placing her hand over Simon's to still his movement, CJ bit her lip. "How were you wrong?"  
  
Throwing the cloth into the sink, Simon used his thumbs to stroke CJ's cheeks dry. Sighing with self-disappointment, he responded, "I've been acting like an idiot because you don't want to get married. But really I'm just lucky that you looked at me twice."  
  
CJ's short, shy laugh was choked with fresh tears. "Oh, God, Simon, don't even start. There are moments when I feel—when I just know—that you deserve someone better..."  
  
Simon ducked his head for a minute, looking quickly back at CJ. "You're the only one that I want."  
  
CJ nodded, suddenly unafraid of his words. "And you're the only one that I want."  
  
Smiling softly, Simon brought his hands down to CJ's waist. "This explains your perfume bottle throwing how?"  
  
Chuckling with embarrassment, CJ rested her forehead against Simon's. "It doesn't. I can't explain anything you make me do."  
  
Drawing lazy circles on her hips with his thumbs, Simon kept his eyes on CJ. "I don't want to MAKE you do anything, CJ…I never want you to feel like you've got to say or do anything because of me."  
  
CJ took a deep breath, Simon's voice growing more and more comforting. "But I want to make you happy. I really want to be able to give you what you need."  
  
"You do," Simon insisted, feeling slightly guilty for holding a piece of the truth back from her. But it was clear that she felt negatively pressured to get married. It was obvious that CJ couldn't handle the stress, her outburst was demonstration enough. He could sacrifice a little bit just to see CJ calm.  
  
Her forehead still pressed against Simon's, CJ snorted. "If I were making you happy you wouldn't have been upset this morning—or yesterday. And I totally understand why you're upset…except that I don't really understand it at all."  
  
"I wasn't upset," Simon said weakly, uneasily meeting CJ's eyes. When her pointed yet affectionate glare became too strong, he let out his held breath. "Okay, yes, I'm disappointed. But I shouldn't have let it change us…I just want you so badly, CJ…"  
  
"You've got me, Simon, please say that we can work this out," CJ whispered, her eyes unwillingly welling up with tears.  
  
"Shh," Simon smiled as he pulled CJ back into his embrace. "I think we just did."  
  
***  
  
"You're sure it's okay?" CJ asked Toby for the hundredth time, her grin working slowly over her face.  
  
"Yes," Toby gave CJ a pronounced nod, having also answered this question for the hundredth time. As she went back to hi-lighting her notebook, Toby's eyes wandered to CJ's hand.  
  
He could hardly believe that CJ had accepted a ring of engagement from anyone, even if it was Simon Donovan, her Perfect Man. Feeling a bit like a poor sport, Toby had stood quietly behind Josh in Leo's office when CJ had told the staff. Amidst hugs, kisses and congratulations, Toby's amazement grew to the point where he held Simon in extremely high regard; anyone who could get CJ to consider marriage had some serious game.  
  
The President had buried CJ in a hug, Leo's eyes had gleamed happily, Sam hadn't been able to wipe the smile from his face, and Josh was just plain giddy. Everyone liked Simon—Toby included—but not everyone knew CJ the way Toby did; not everyone knew the extent of her fear of commitment.  
  
But Toby did not argue when CJ requested to announce it at the 10 o'clock briefing; Toby did not even ask her why she wanted this, biding his time before starting that conversation. CJ seemed genuinely happy, and if she noticed Toby's newfound quiet, she did not let on.  
  
"CJ?" Carol popped her head into the office, "Time."  
  
"Hey, I'm going back. When you're done, I need you for five minutes," Toby said with a lopsided nod, leaving her office after CJ acknowledged the request.  
  
"Did you call him?" CJ asked of her assistant, gathering her briefing notes with a smile. Carol grinned widely, nodding as she followed her boss. "What'd you say?" CJ asked, her manner making Carol remember being the boyfriend messenger in high school.  
  
"I said—and this is a direct quote—" Carol mocked, "I said 'Simon, CJ would like you to turn on the briefing at ten o'clock.' And that was it."  
  
Stopping briefly before opening the pressroom door, CJ shot her assistant an amused stare. "Thank you," she said, unable to fight the irremovable smile. As CJ swept up to the podium, Carol in tow, the brunette assistant found that same smile on her own face; CJ had told only Carol the full truth—Simon was about to get a wonderful surprise.  
  
***  
  
Simon had gone into work feeling seventy-five percent better than he had after waking up. He was almost fully satisfied with the talk he'd had with CJ; he was almost able to ignore the fact that she didn't want to get married. But then it stared the agent in the face—she really, truly didn't want to be his wife. And that hurt no matter which way Simon looked at it. CJ hadn't meant to hurt him, Simon knew, but it was just a way to keep herself safe—and it was slightly selfish. Fighting feelings of inadequacy and trying to remember that CJ was still in his life full time, Simon answered the phone.  
  
After a brief exchange with Carol, Simon flicked on the television in the office; he was behind on work for the convention detail and didn't really have time to watch CJ's briefing. However, he assumed, there could be an important announcement related to the convention.  
  
The briefing wasn't long, and as the questions slowed down, Simon sat puzzled. CJ hadn't said anything at all related to the convention or the Secret Service. About to click the set off, the question rang out, catching the agent's full attention.  
  
***  
  
CJ had kept her left hand resting over the side of the podium during the briefing, hoping and almost knowing that one of the reporters would ask about the ring. She was depending on that catalyst to get her plan rolling, and as the briefing wound down, CJ was about to announce her engagement without a reporter's prompting.  
  
"Since we're wrapping up, would it be okay if I asked about the diamond you're sporting?"  
  
Katie to the rescue, CJ smiled, meeting the interested reporter's eye. "Yes, for once, you can ask about my personal life," CJ joked, cocking her head with a grin. "I do have an announcement to make about that."  
  
"Are you engaged to Simon Donovan?" another reporter called out—grins were passed around the room, as the entire press Corp knew Simon from the weeks that he'd spent at the White House with CJ. It had been quite a sweet human interest story that some reporters had written after he left her detail—their relationship was also the good kind of publicity that the Administration liked in the press.  
  
"Well," CJ began with the knowledge that Simon was watching, "Simon did propose to me this weekend."  
  
"You said yes?" Chris called out. CJ smiled wider, completely aware of just how much the Press Corp was enjoying this. Her private life was always of interest to them, especially lately, and it was nice for once to indulge them.  
  
"I didn't say anything, but I think I've made him sweat it out for long enough. I'm actually saying yes to him right now," CJ nodded, looking quickly at Carol for a bit of support.  
  
"On TV? That's the way CJ Cregg WOULD do it," Mark laughed, sending chuckles up around the room.  
  
"Yes, Mark, the CJ Cregg way," CJ kidded, nodding her head slowly. "It's the only way."  
  
To greater laughter and a chorus of congratulations, CJ formally ended the press briefing until five o'clock; practically bounding out of the pressroom, CJ grabbed Carol's arm and pulled her along.  
  
"Did I do okay?" she asked with a cry, stopping her grinning assistant abruptly.  
  
"Yes!" Carol responded with a laugh. "Smoother than I expected…Go—I bet he's gonna call you…"  
  
CJ was off down the hallway, vaguely remembering that Toby wanted to see her. Screw it, she thought happily, I'd rather talk to my fiancé. * 


	9. 9

1 TITLE: One in Ten Million: Chapter 9/9  
  
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller  
  
PAIRING: CJ/Simon  
  
RATING: R, language  
  
SUMMARY: "I can't picture my life without you, CJ. Anything you want you can have. But you don't need to do something just to hang on to us."  
  
SPOILERS: None  
  
NOTE: I appreciate all the support and great reviews that have rolled in for this story: it's a great encouragement, and for all those who've asked, there will be a fourth series coming out sometime this summer :)  
  
***  
  
"What the fuck?" Simon muttered, thoroughly and utterly puzzled over CJ. What was she doing? Only three hours before that briefing, Simon had heard CJ tell him that she couldn't marry him. And now she had got on television and announced to a whole lot of people that she was engaged.  
  
If this wasn't a mind game Simon didn't know what was—and while he felt the slightest glimmer of a thrill from CJ's words, Simon was wary about taking it as truth. CJ was indecisive, unsure, and afraid to commit; she was nervous, apprehensive…all of that could NOT have changed in the few hours between the moment in her bathroom and the press briefing.  
  
He didn't want to be in a marriage based on pressure—and in Simon's mind CJ was now saying yes because of exactly that—a need to please him. She might be happy with this for a little while, but eventually the shit would hit the fan, and Simon knew he couldn't allow CJ to do that to herself; to them.  
  
With a resigned sigh, and knowing that his over-due work would have to wait a little bit longer, Simon picked up the phone. "Carol, is she in?"  
  
***  
  
"CJ," Carol poked her head into the office where Toby was now holding court with CJ. "Simon on line 2."  
  
"Just a minute, Toby." CJ smiled to herself, and as Toby sat down on the sofa, he saw just how high of a mood his old friend was in.  
  
"CJ, what on earth are you doing?" Simon asked, heaviness in his voice, not even allowing CJ a chance to greet him.  
  
Leaning back in her chair as Carol closed the door, CJ smiled. "You don't sound nearly so happy as I imagined you would," she teased.  
  
"CJ, I'm not in the mood," Simon said tersely, working with his growing annoyance. He could hardly imagine that CJ was being serious in her acceptance of his proposal; Simon saw himself being yanked around.  
  
"Aww, come on. Didn't you see the briefing?" CJ asked, her happiness still in tact, not quite ready to acknowledge Simon's apparent disaffection.  
  
"Well, yes, but I'm not sure you said what you did for the right reasons."  
  
"What?" CJ responded, her countenance falling straight. "I thought it over all morning and realized what I wanted."  
  
"Did you?" Simon sighed sharply, "because this morning after your temper tantrum, you said something else."  
  
"I finally figured out what I wanted!" CJ repeated with a narrowing brow, a rising tone. "Jesus, Simon, can't you just take this for what it is?" CJ cried, utterly unable to explain her choice revolution. And now he was questioning her; the tightening in CJ's chest worsened as her stomach sank.  
  
"No, Claudia, because YOU don't even know what it is! You don't know what the hell you want from me!" Simon's voice rose as he brought his hand down on the desk. At the confused stares from other agents in the office, Simon sighed. "We can't do this right now…"  
  
"No, we can't," CJ bit back, her tone spiced with sudden bitterness. "And don't call me Claudia, you son-of-a-bitch."  
  
The click of the phone in Simon's ear echoed for quite some time. She'd never hung up on him before and now he was left alone with his apparent stupidity. Pondering over the situation, Simon wondered if he should have accepted CJ's answer as final, as what she truly wanted.  
  
But no, something nagging tugged at Simon's sleeve, this was all so backwards. CJ's reality was fully against getting married. She had said it many dozen times over the weekend. Her mind would not have changed save for the wrong reasons. But what were the wrong reasons? Simon did not know, and as he attempted a return to work, the agent's head spun with frustration.  
  
***  
  
"Fuck off, Toby." CJ barked at her boss, staring him down, daring him to say a word. He instead snickered sympathetically, leaning forward carefully.  
  
"CJ, this is what I've been saying to you all along."  
  
"What? You weren't SAYING anything to me all along," CJ insisted weakly, resting her chin unhappily in her hands. At Toby's pointed expression, CJ sighed. "I know, I know…I know! I just…I just thought…"  
  
"If you wanted to say yes to him, you should have said yes right away. He's probably really confused right now," Toby reasoned, recalling CJ's past experiences with this situation. After a moment of crisp silence, Toby cleared his throat. "What exactly happened?"  
  
Rubbing her eyes, CJ shook her head slowly. "He asked me to marry him, and I took the ring…"  
  
"This was Friday?" Toby interrupted, cocking his head at CJ.  
  
"Yeah. It was kind of an unspoken acceptance. And it was fine, Toby, it was really fine!" Pausing with a sardonic grin, CJ shook her head. "Yeah, for about twelve hours it was fine…and then the same thing that always happens happened."  
  
"You totally lost it," Toby stated, having seen CJ there before. This might have been humorous to Toby if not for the fact that Simon was truly in love with CJ. Not to mention the fact that she loved him with that same intensity—and yet CJ was treating him like an old skeleton.  
  
Nodding, she breathed out heavily. "I went over the edge, Toby. I told him on Saturday night that we couldn't get married. He was upset on Sunday and this morning he hardly touched me…" CJ's expression became briefly pained, her eyes bleary as she stared into space. "I thought that he was going to…"  
  
"CJ, Simon won't leave you," Toby insisted softly, feeling inside that it was true.  
  
Biting her lip, CJ refocused her eyes on Toby. "Three times, Toby," CJ said quietly, raising her chin to make the point.  
  
Standing up, Toby crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes burning into hers. "Yes, CJ, three other men left you when you turned down their proposals. Thank the Lord for that—and you know I'm right—but Simon is different. I don't think it's the end of the world for him…CJ, you don't need to marry him just to stay with him…" Toby exhaled, his expression flashing dangerously at CJ.  
  
"How can I be this insecure?" CJ asked rhetorically, working hard to avoid her friend's eyes.  
  
"If he truly loves you," Toby continued with some force, "he's not going to push you into something that you don't want."  
  
"I think I do want it." CJ phrased it like a question, looking up at Toby wide eyed.  
  
"That's not my answer, CJ." Toby walked backwards, a soft smile on his face as he sought the door. "And I don't think you're all that insecure."  
  
***  
  
It was nearing midnight and she didn't want to go home. Almost sure that Simon was there in her apartment, CJ found herself blowing a tank of gas, driving aimlessly away from him into Maryland.  
  
At least the breeze was warm, CJ reasoned, and at least she'd had a CD system installed in the Mustang. Sure, it took away from the car's classic value, but having some of Hogan's angry hip-hop music blasting loudly was painfully comforting. Eminem, CJ snickered with the slightest bit of respect, had exactly no qualms about calling it like he saw.  
  
CJ knew that she too was usually like that; what she'd done today was an attempt to be so bold as she craved, to be strong and decisive like she wanted. But marriage wasn't honestly in her and Simon had seen that. The sad twist now, CJ realized as the wind attacked her hair, was that she was starting to want that wedding and that commitment.  
  
Flying seventy-five down the interstate, CJ felt more like a coward than she ever had before. Here she was, fleeing from confrontation and yet again leading Simon around by a chain. That wasn't fair to him; CJ was sure they would be over when she decided to turn the car around.  
  
Simon would brand her wishy-washy and while CJ had hoped it would go unacknowledged, she had to admit that her manner was totally confusing. Simon probably felt that he couldn't trust her…He was likely totally fed up, totally let down…  
  
CJ hardly heard her cell phone ringing over the string of expletives flying from the speakers, and turning it down with an embarrassed chuckle, she picked up. "CJ Cregg…"  
  
"CJ, wherever you are, please come home." Simon's voice was calm, gentle, with no hint of the attitude CJ had encountered during the day.  
  
"Simon…" CJ breathed, slowing her speed as she came up behind another car. Simon's level tone was more than welcome, and she let the sound of it absorb into her head. "Simon, I am so sorry about…."  
  
"No, no, no. There's nothing to apologize for. Just come home to me…"  
  
***  
  
"Toby, really, I had no idea," Simon admitted after hanging up the phone in CJ's apartment. He turned to the shorter, balding man, thinking that Toby was a true lifesaver.  
  
Raising his chin in a nodded agreement, Toby grinned slowly. "Hey, that's CJ for you. Keeps her mouth shut at all the wrong times, opens it when you want it closed."  
  
"I appreciate you talking to me about this…It explains some of her reaction, at least…" Simon bit his lip, acutely aware that he was still in his uncomfortable work suit. The whole day had gone by in that restrained, unhappy state; Simon felt trapped and tangled in this confusion.  
  
But Toby had shown up at the apartment, looking for CJ, worried because she'd left work upset. When he found his friend gone, Toby instead filled Simon in on CJ's past. There had been three proposals, all turned down…they hadn't stuck with CJ for long. Losing these men that she thought she loved had desperately closed CJ off, Toby said, and finding someone that she truly needed and wanted…well, that had completely twisted the usually well-put-together CJ into a knot.  
  
"What are you going to do? If I can ask…" Toby pressed his lips together as he headed for the door. Simon cocked his head and stayed silent for a moment.  
  
"Depends on how much time I've got. Where do you think she is?"  
  
A smirk crossing his expression, Toby reached for the doorknob. "No closer than Baltimore. You've got a good forty minutes to decide."  
  
"Thanks," Simon sighed. "We're only ever playing by her rules, and those are impossible to figure out."  
  
As Toby pushed the door open, he turned back to the tall, handsome man. "She's worth it, Simon…"  
  
***  
  
CJ headed up to her apartment trying to muster up the resolve it would take—she was going to unequivocally prove to Simon that she wanted to get married. And as they day had worn on, CJ became convinced that it was the only way to keep him in her life. She loved Simon with everything in her, and she was absolutely NOT going to lose her man this time.  
  
Slowly opening the door, CJ stepped into the dim apartment, seeing the soft light filtering out from the kitchen. Slowly she walked towards it, smiling subconsciously. Simon was here, and if they were meant to be together, he always would be.  
  
"Simon?" CJ asked, seeing him leaned up against the island in the center of the kitchen. As he turned around, CJ admired Simon's whole person—his good looks, his physique, his beautiful, comforting smile, his sweet understanding of almost anything…How had she ever been afraid of this?  
  
Wordlessly, Simon stepped forward to bury CJ in his arms; unwillingly, her eyes filled with tears at the desperation of the day. She should have been more careful with this man, she should have taken better care of their relationship…CJ's mind screamed loudly as Simon quietly rocked her back and forth, stroking her hair and holding her tightly.  
  
After a long moment had gone by, Simon kissed the top of CJ's head and broke the silence. "I can't picture my life without you, CJ. Anything you want you can have. But you don't need to do something just to hang on to us."  
  
Grasping tightly to Simon's t-shirted back, CJ bit her lip and looked up into Simon's warm eyes. "I want to hang on. Simon, I want to be your wife," CJ decided confidently, nodding seriously as a slow smile found her face.  
  
Simon dipped his head down to capture CJ's lips in his; he kissed her slowly, treasuring the feel of her wet lips against his mouth. Sealing his lips against hers, Simon let the full weight of her words sink in. CJ was speaking to him truthfully and without any of the reservation Simon had expected.  
  
Parting reluctantly for air, their lips still lingering together, Simon squeezed CJ's waist tightly. "You can tell me if that changes. I'm still going to love you the same."  
  
Pressing her mouth back against Simon's with a new excitement, CJ's response was wordless. And in the shadows of the dim kitchen, CJ felt for the first time in her life that someone was here with her to stay. * 


End file.
